Thursday, May 31, 2012

Being Ashamed

Tonight I did the most ridiculous thing, and I'm not even sure why.

I was meeting at a class, and sharing with someone about my efforts at the work I engage in.  I shared some business cards, and then clarified the email address on the: ilovejesus @ amajorshift dot com.  "It says 'I love Jesus' but I'm open to people of any beliefs,'" I said to her.  WHY did I feel the need to say that?

After I walked out, I realized just how pathetic that was.  Did I feel that my cards would not be passed on to others, once the email address was viewed?  Was I ashamed of the address?  It was exactly to clarify who I am and who I worship that this email was designed.  It is so that neither I nor the people I work with ever have to question who I worship, and my motive for the work I engage in.  And in passing out my measly business card, I essentially apologized in order to appear tolerant and open and accepting of all faiths.  Not that that's a bad thing, but for someone who made promises to stand as a witness for the Savior, I'm ashamed.  More than the minute before I said what I said.

With this realization, I have become incredibly aware of how much those in healing circles fall back on "your higher power".  Why?  Do we think that we're being pushy?  Or is it acting "tolerant"?  I don't know for sure.  But I do know that I felt like I gave myself a mudbath the minute after I realized my thought process.  That's not how I choose to think.

It gave me empathy for Peter.  Surely he didn't want to deny Christ.  But when the cock crowed thrice, he realized that Jesus' prophecy had come true, and he wept bitterly.

I kinda felt the same tonight.  Hopefully my shame at being ashamed will remind me never to walk that road again.

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