Thursday, November 7, 2013

Death of a Friend

Yesterday a longtime friend of the family underwent a double mastectomy.  For those unfamiliar with medical speak, that meant that the tissue held within the breasts are removed, the breast skin sealed up, and sometimes implants are later used to replace the tissue.  It is a very painful process.

Two days ago, when I heard the news about yesterday's surgery, I also happened to unpack a box of things that had been in storage for over a year and a half.  Stuffed in the box was a pink breast cancer awareness shirt I had received as a gift from a different friend, nearly three years ago when she got diagnosed with breast cancer.  She purchased a pink shirt with the classic pink ribbon, only this one had a heart drawn with the ribbon.  She had given one to me and several other friends in her tight circle of friends.  We watched and journeyed with her through her own double mastectomy, reconstructive surgery, and healing.  I remember sitting in the hospital room as she awoke from the anesthesia, and her bedroom from time to time through her healing.  Calling it painful and arduous would be an understatement.

Karol Truman writes that cancers of the female organs are indicative of many core issues.  Some big ones are "unresolved resentments", "holding onto deep anger, resentment, hate, revenge or jealousy", or "not open to 'light' or divine help" (Feelings Buried Alive Never Die, p.235).  In my Connective Tissue courses in massage school, we learned that the chest/heart area was responsible for issues of the "heart".  (duh- lol!)  In one instance, the instructor placed her left hand on my heart under the drape, and simply told me with her eyes to "let go".  It was as if something magical happened, because I could feel all sorts of pain rushing through, being released.  I had instant tears, and didn't even quite know why.  Too bad everyone can't go to massage school – that kind of bodywork is priceless.

Regardless of the conscious or subconscious cause of breast cancer, yesterday I had cause to reflect, being so greatly reminded of the old friend (via the shirt), and the cancer of both women, and where I have been in the two years since the death of the woman who gave me the shirt.  She's very much among the living, I presume, but the friendship is deceased.  In so many ways, her passing instigated the changes in me that have taken place ever since; they have been deep and will be longer lasting than the friendship was.  

The breast contains and protects the heart.  My heart was completely broken, smashed to smithereens, and then rebuilt by God himself.  There is no other way to explain it.  It had to happen, because I would not allow for change otherwise, and openly admitted such.  I refused to move away from the woman, would never reject her phone calls, and put our visits and gatherings above the needs of my children and family, and unless the friendship was demolished, I would have stayed and stewed in Utah Valley quite possibly for the rest of my life.  When I write so frequently in my posts here about idol worship, it hits so powerfully home to me, because I was the worst of the worshipers of this graven image of a goddess.

When the friendship was smashed with an iron rod, I was gently given a pillar to lean on.  I received a blessing from God through a friend, which warned me of the dissolving of the friendship, and the opening of my heart, the pain, the tears, and the healing and metamorphosis that would take place.  In the two years since the woman wrote me a long, horridly horrifying letter, I have "shifted" in ways formerly unimaginable, such that I doubt she would recognize me, were we to talk again.  And I have no desire for her to recognize me, because I no longer worship her.

I bear no ill will, and I was actually able to wear that shirt yesterday, with a prayer in my heart for both women struck by breast cancer.  Other times when I had seen the shirt in the box, I could hardly touch it, and preferred to leave it sit there until I had the gumption to throw it away, burn it, or donate it.  Somehow, I was able to put it on my body, and my heart felt nothing but gratitude.

Without her, I would not have been so openly introduced to so many people who taught me so many wonderful things.  I hate to give her too much credit, but I would not have been introduced to energy work.  I would likely have never met my close friend and mentor, who cared to teach me muscle testing, and the cascading effects that have come from that:  I would not be a massage therapist.  I would not be working with doTERRA as a business.  I would not be rubbing shoulders with people in my upline and downline who I truly love and cherish with my entire soul, because from them too I have learned so much.  I would not have a "downline", because there was no chance in hail that I would've grown a business with it had I stayed in Utah, and I left Utah to get away from any chance of ever seeing her or her "circle" again.  I would not have 10 awesome brother-sister-friends from massage school.  I would not have a massage business in my home.  I would not be working from home.  I would not have picked up various books that are now my go-to sources for spiritual education.  I am eternally indebted and thankful for the once friendship, and two year old death of a friendship, which has changed my life.

The leaves fall
The tree waits
For a new beginning
It held all along within 

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